Tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law because we can’t run away from her.
The sad part of many relationships is that we just cannot break up with someone just because their toxicity is way beyond our acceptance capacity. Dealing with a narcissist is like hitting your head on your wall and he enjoys the music.
In this blog, I am going to share some useful ways to deal with your narcissistic mother in law.
Tips To Deal With An Indian Narcissist Mother in Law
A narcissistic person can be incredibly cruel, and unreasonable. They often go out of their way to make sure their daughter in law doesn’t feel welcome. Narcissistic mother in law loves to play favourites, isolate the target from other family members. She could go the extent of manipulating and lie about anything to fit their narrative and make the target feel excluded.
If that’s not all, if you have a narcissistic mother in law, chances are that you are subjected to constant unreasonable judgement. You find yourself dealing with tantrums and sticky taunts day in day out. And gurl, don’t get me started on the kitty party gossips. Life is tough if you have a nagging mother in law who epitomises narcism.
Should it make you feel unworthy or drain the life out of you? Not really. Life presents us with difficult situations and difficult people. We can’t fix them always. But we must always remember that the people we find difficult to deal with are meant for evolving our level of consciousness.
For instance, the selfish person you meet is teaching the value of selflessness. The arrogant colleague you work with is showing you the value of humility. likewise, your narcissistic mother in law is teaching you kindness and compassion. Sounds too altruistic and idealistic?
21 Tips To Deal With An Indian Narcissist Mother in Law
The half battle is won when you prime your mind with an anchor thought that serves your well being. The first step to dealing with a narcissist mother in law starts with telling your mind the right wisdom. Always remember you have to tell yourself the story that makes you the hero of your life. So stop feeling sorry for yourself. Take charge and rewrite the manner in which you deal with a narcissistic character in your life story.
Narcissist people may seem very confident but in reality, they feel empty and put on a mask to hide their insecurity. They are the biggest manipulators and liers who will go to any extent to prove themselves.
They make friends very quickly as they appear to be very assertive and sweet at first, but they have severe difficulties in maintaining relationships because sooner or later, their real personality comes to light. A narcissistic mother in law can ruin a marriage but your life doesn’t depend entirely on her, here are few tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law.
Here are 21 tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law that can help you find a new perspective.
|1.) Don’t make them a source of your validation|
|2.) Manage your expectations|
|3.) Take complete responsibility for your life|
|4.) Don’t take things personally|
|5.) Observe- their lies, their repeated patterns of behaviour|
|6.) Avoid the trap of getting into arguments with her|
|7.) Focus on thyself instead of making it a mission to fix her|
|8.) Watch for her mood swings|
|9.) Make a fictional character out of them in your head|
|10.) Feed their ego sometimes|
|11.) Develop a filter|
|12.) Don’t react|
|13.) Share and confide in someone|
|14.) Don’t sabotage yourself|
|15.) Have compassion for them|
|16.) Realize that everyone is at a different stage of awareness|
|17.) Practice the art of forgiveness|
|18.) Focus on building resilience|
|19.) Focus on building your self-esteem|
|20.) Have a creative outlet|
|21.) Don’t forget that you are special and whole|
1.) Don’t make them a source of your validation
We as daughters in law always seek for validation and please our mother in law even if she is arrogant towards us. Seeking validation from the elderly gets ingrained in us since growing up. However, the constant need for validation puts us in a tough spot. Affirm your value by prioritizing your needs and embrace all your imperfections as they make you unique.
2.) Manage your expectations
Dealing with a narcissistic personality is not an easy thing to do, it costs you a lot of mental peace. It only gets tougher if you have expectations from your mother in law. Narcissistic people can be too full of themselves to understand your needs.
Managing your expectations and setting boundaries can save you from disappointments. Unmet expectations usually put a lot of pressure on our minds. Managing your expectations is better than managing the consequences it would bring with it.
3.) Take complete responsibility for your life
Narcissists love to control and hate responsibility. They lie, they discriminate too. So, it’s only you who is responsible for your stance. One of the valuable tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law is if your mother in law neglects you and makes you feel worthless, it’s her problem, not yours, own yourself and not her judgments. Take back your power. Affirm with me- You are enough to make yourself happy.
4.) Don’t take things personally
Taking things personally will damage your spirits. A person who is self-obsessed will demean you with her behaviour and it is very natural to feel unpleasant about yourselves in such situations. You need not identify with their unpleasantries. It is a reflection of their thought process and personality. Not yours. As a matter of fact, learning to Build resilience would definitely help you to bounce back every time you are hurt with her abusive words. Practice it.
5.) Observe- their lies, their repeated patterns of behaviour
A narcissistic mother in law is hard to trust, they lie about anything to fit their narrative and isolates others. A repeated incident forms a pattern and you are able to understand it, know it there is nothing you can do to change her, rather prepare yourself to deal with her unlike you did last time. Use your experiences with her as a feedback mechanism. It will help you to quickly snap out of situations that trigger unhealthy patterns of behaviour.
6.) Avoid the trap of getting into arguments with her
You will seldom win. One of the trickiest tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law is no to fall into her prey. Avoid situations where you feel it’s not worth it to prove your righteousness. Past feedback and your own judgement will guide you in such sticky situations.
In fact, you take back their hold on you the moment you let go of the feeling of winning the argument. You cannot win over her manipulative attitude and if you try to compete in order to do so, you will lose your sanity.
7.) Focus on thyself instead of making it a mission to fix her
We as daughters in law are so conditioned to believe that fixing up everything is our job, that we forego everything in order to make her happy, to please and fix what’s broken between you too. Any relationship demands efforts from both ends, one cannot drag it for too long. Remember that you cannot pour from an empty pot. Don’t make it your life mission to fix her in a way that consumes you and drains your life energy.
8.) Watch for her mood swings
A person with an extreme kind of behaviour undergoes several mood swings. Often, love is also a function of their fluctuating moods. You might get confused and misunderstand them. You may end up doubting yourself when you don’t get their best behaviour again. As I said earlier, watch out for their patterns and stay away from them when you see them going off the track.
9.) Make a fictional character out of them in your head
Sounds funny? Isn’t it? But making a fictional character out of her will add a sense of humour to your tough situation. It will help you smile inside while you see her being her best version of the manipulative monster. Label her each notion and replace it with your character. Try imagining her as a ranting aunt or give her a goofy avatar.
10.) Feed their ego sometimes
That very famous ego massage, every Indian daughter in law is expected to do. Feeding their ego doesn’t mean to surrender to them, but sometimes they feel that their fragile ego is being threatened and a little warmth can curtail the upcoming storm she might bring with her nature. It reflects your maturity level when you manage big egos with lightheartedness.
11.) Develop a filter
When you observe and realize that it’s her way of manipulating things and lying to feed her constant ego. You need to develop a filter. You have to choose consciously of what you are going to allow inside your mind. Developing a thought screening process comes from practising mindfulness. Your life experiences also make you better in this process with time. Start with making a conscious choice to not let all the noise affect you negatively.
12.) Don’t react
Not every action needs your immediate reaction. We all have been through the feeling of compulsively letting our anger out when we feel wronged. It more often than not gives them control to cause further damage to your wellbeing. On the other hand, responding to life situations empowers you with the ability to process things slowly and filter the garbage thoughts and impulses out of the way.
You end up making wiser decisions in your relationships. You learn to respond better in life situations by being a little patient every time. and sometimes the best response is no response. If she complains that you mingle around, it is still better than joining her in arguments and fights, ultimately losing your sanity.
13.) Share and confide in someone
There is always someone who is listening. A friend, a family member, and best-your spouse. If your mother in law is a narcissist personality, but it’s not only you who is her target, your husband and other family members must have been through certain similar experiences. Sharing your angst gives you the outlet to lighten up from the inside. One of the very helpful tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law.
Bottling up your feelings inside can make you easily irritable and angry. It becomes a part of your nature before you know it. Therefore have your inner close circle of loved ones to confide your bitter experiences. It helps you in two ways. You feel secure that you have a listening ear to vent out your distress. More importantly, confiding with the right people gives you the right perspective to deal with the situation
14.) Don’t sabotage yourself
A narcissist mother in law often has the habit of gaslighting. It can take you in a rabbit hole of feeling like a culprit in every situation. You land up somewhere different on the spectrum of self-perception, from self-loathing to tarnished self-confidence because of people around us, it is about how they make us feel.
You need to detach yourself from the environment to a certain degree and develop a compassionate view of yourselves. It can help you improve every aspect of your lives.
15.) Have compassion for her
Remember, a narcissist mother in law may seem very confident, but in reality, she has put on a mask to hide her insecurity. Their narcissistic altar might be a cover-up for their weakness and vulnerabilities. If you see her as a person dealing with her flaws or personality disorder, you will be filled with compassion and soon her behaviour will become inconsequential for you.
16.) Realize that everyone is at a different stage of awareness
Your self-awareness and my self-awareness might differ. A lot of factors determine our current level of awareness. These include factors like our parenting, our upbringing, our childhood experiences, the people we are surrounded with. When it comes to a narcissistic mother in law, there is an element of generation gap also. It can prove to be a natural constraint in your mother in law’s level of understanding and communication.
As we are somewhere aware of our existence, our bodies, our mindset, a person with narcissistic traits will only be aware of his existent, so that would sound as total unawareness for us. you also need to realise the fact that as we age our brain’s ability to rewire itself with new behaviours and understanding takes more time. You have to accommodate the different stages of awareness every individual is in and make peace with it.
17.) Practice the art of forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn’t come easily, especially if someone is not even seeking it. Although difficult, it is immensely effective to practice forgiveness while dealing with an Indian narcissist mother in law. At times, we end up waiting for an apology that never comes our way. A mother in law might realise that she has wronged you but cant swallow her pride to let her guard off.
In situations like these, it is a good idea to free up your mind and forgive the other person. When we develop the maturity to forgive the other person irrespective of whether they realise their mistakes or not, we take back the control they had in some part of our mind. it can bring us immense mental peace, to make peace with your mental chatter. The more you will indulge in mental arguments, the more it becomes heavy.
18.) Focus on building resilience
One of the best tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law is to build resilience. Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress caused due to family and relationship problems, health problems, work pressure, and financial stressors. Your life is a construct. It is rightly said you can’t change what happens to you.
People will break you, pull you down, make you feel unworthy or even try to sabotage your growth. A common example is how Indian daughters are told that it’s normal to let go of your dreams after you get married. in such cases, women today are seeking an accommodative attitude where they are ready to manage their responsibilities along with striving for their dreams. Some women are lucky to be blessed with the right environment and people.
However, if you are not on the right side, don’t let go of your ambitions. Inculcate a resilience within you to take narcissistic people and tough life situations head-on.
19.) Focus on building your self-esteem
We give to much emotional access to others and then they use us as per there convenience. A nasty mother in law will bully you and make you feel inferior, inturn you lose your self-esteem and confidence, take that god damn key to your happiness back in your hands, and let no one touch it. When you feel down, try and remember the moments from your early childhood when you had any problems with your self-esteem.
You will fail to recollect any strong memories that deflated your core. You see, growing up we tend to forget that our mere existence is special. All the negative voices overpower the wholesomeness of our being. Its high time that you do not let your external detractors like your daunting narcissistic mother in law affect your self-esteem. Just reflecting on your childhood will tell you that self-worth comes from within. When you focus on inner engineering and inculcating the right habits your self-esteem grows and shines.
20.) Have a creative outlet
In the same vein, develop hobbies, interests, and friendships that help you grow into your best self. A good way to stop thinking about your mother in law is to focus on things that spark joy in your life. Your creativity drifts when your household responsibilities increase. Some manage work duties too. If you have become a mother, your child becomes the centre of your universe.
All this while, your narcissistic mother in law never stops being demanding. How far can you please her? it will eventually drain you of your creative and life energy. You lose touch with your gifts, inner talents that give expression to your soul. Creating something gives you a channel to express true self. that’s why its always important to find your creative outlet.
21.) Don’t forget that you are special and whole
Last but, not the least of all the tips to deal with an Indian narcissist mother in law. A gentle reminder to you, that you are what you think and believe about yourself. And in a situation like this when you have a very overpowering mother in law who belittles you, criticize you, you sometimes lose the inner spark and fall in the dark zone. Please remember that you are whole and complete, you don’t need anyone to validate your existence. Take charge of your life and be you in all ways and always.
Lots of love and gratitude
Priyanka Nair is the author of 26 Days 26 Ways for a Happier you and Ardhaviram. An NLP practitioner and Founder of Sanity Daily, helping you prioritize your mental health. Let’s build a happy community.