How to deal with a mother in law who hates you? Tired of thinking of ways to tackle a relationship beyond your control? How can it not take a toll on your mental health when you have to live with someone who hates you?
Hate is a very deep emotion, invoking anger and resentment. I have heard unique stories of hatred. Some weird and baseless too. It only made me think about how can a woman hate another woman for no specific reason?
Wisdom, which could have guided your daughter in laws and your family members in a different direction. But sometimes the most simple steps are the most difficult ones to take, I guess.
How to deal with a mother in law who hates you?
I always believe that before we dwell in dealing with a problematic person, we should also focus on the underlying problems and try to figure out the reasons behind a person’s unacceptable behavior. In this blog, first, we will identify signs to see if we are dealing with a mother in law who hates you and then we will move ahead and see how to deal with a mother in law who hates you.
Seven signs you are dealing with a mother in law who hates you
It is like a woman against another woman with no rational reason behind it. If any mother in law is reading this, I would like to ask her, why have you held up so much hatred inside you, over the years where it could have been easily replaced by core wisdom. The worst part is they make you realize that they hate you in their unique ways.
|1. She continuously pulls you down|
|2. She rejects you|
|3. She makes you feel inferior|
|4. She treats you like an outsider|
|5. She insults your parents|
|6. She is never interested in your story|
|7. She doubts your intentions|
1. She continuously pulls you down
No matter how hard you try to “fit in” (which you shouldn’t in the first place, refer to my blog titled, How to deal with in Laws who hate you because someone who hates you will never appreciate you. Hate is a powerful emotion, although a negative emotion. But when a person is filled with so much hatred against you, they do not see things and as they are.
If your mother in law hates you, she will never leave a chance to pull you down, to show you are nothing in front of her.
2. She rejects you
Even though you put your best foot forward, give some beneficial suggestions or try to make things work. Just because of her dismissive nature, she prefers to reject your options. She will never consider your views and agreement.
3. She makes you feel inferior
She will pinpoint everything you are not or could not do in your life. Right from your education, job, your looks, your personality, or anything which could make you feel inferior and lose all the confidence you have in yourself.
4. She treats you like an outsider
From my experience, I would say this is the most indirect method for a mother in law to give the message straight to her daughter in law that you are not a part of the family. Even when you try to be a part of regular family conversation, you are not welcome. A narcissistic mother in law who is so full of herself will always suppress you and treat you in an inappropriate manner.
5. She insults your parents
Parents will always be protective of their children. The most disgusting thing a mother in law could ever do is by blaming the daughter in laws’ parents for every situation. Sometimes her parents are not even aware of what the situation is, but it becomes so overbearingly unacceptable to see when they are blamed.
6. She is never interested in your story
Just try to strike a conversation and she will tear you apart with her life story. Her achievements, her cooking skills, her house managing skills, and will leave you to withdraw from the moment. You will never be heard. Hence, she will never come to know how you are as a person from inside.
7. She doubts your intentions
Because she judges you. She critically assumes a lot of things about you. She is always insecure that you will steal her son, her family, or maybe all her property and house from her. Apart from being doubtful, your mother in law is also jealous of you , which makes her more uncomfortable in your presence. These fears never let her see any good in you.
Seven ways to deal with a mother in Law who hates you
Now when we know how dreadful mother in laws could get to prove her superiority to her daughter in laws. The amount of damage it triggers is immeasurable and hidden for ages. Everybody says it has been like this forever. Today, women are fighting for equality and opportunities around the globe and inside our house, we cannot strike a little change.
A whole new direction for at least the coming generation wherein there would be more love and less war in the families. The most saddening part is most of all this happens in front of your children. Just imagine how they grow up watching you? Either they become more considerate towards you and respect you and try to stay humble with you or even they will start treating you like your mother- in law. Few handy ways to deal with your mother in law who hates you.
|1.Draw strict boundaries|
|2.Indulge into infinite ignorance|
|3. Pray she heals soon|
|4. Don’t try to change her|
|6. Stay mindful|
|7. Learn to detach|
1.Draw strict boundaries
Your mother in law will not care about invading any boundary and will enter your zone now and then to ruin your peace. But you need to define a strict boundary. You might find her telling things to others about you, complaining to your husband about you.
You will have two options, either to pick up a fight or leave it as it is. Leaving it as it does not mean that you are accepting your mother in law the way she is but knowing her the way she is will help you to understand that this is how she is expected to behave and it is not your fault.
2.Indulge into infinite ignorance
Sometimes ignoring is the only option you have in order to let go of things. The most weakening limitation of any human being is the ability to let go of things. But sometimes it becomes essential to not hold up things and ignore them for our own benefit.
Staying with a mother in law who hates you, a mother in law who is not only disrespectful but arrogant with you, seeing you around her, she will leave no chance to belittle you. How much will you cry? How much will you let her words hurt you? Show her it doesn’t affect you anymore.
3. Pray she heals soon
I have learned this and with my experience, I will tell you. Negative and negative never works. Once you know something is broken you try to mend it or you just leave it. You cannot do the healing part on your own, but you can certainly give it time and space to heal.
Meanwhile, you can continue to be yourself, spread kindness, and be the best version of yourself.
4. Don’t change her
The more you will try to change her by telling her things, the more she will go against you and things will turn worse. The person who hates you already is angry at you and holds deep resentment you don’t even know why.
When you feel that your good deeds will change her, I would say staying hopeful is a sign of positivity but also think practically and do not fall for it as it could hurt you more.
Focus on what matters and be grateful for all the good things in your life. It is very disheartening to live with some who hates you. They make your life a living hell and leave no room for any positivity. But that is life all about, finding ways, focusing on the good, and accepting challenges, rising every time we fall, isn’t it?
I know it is not an easy path, but you got to trust your path and start taking the small steps for your own sanity.
6. Stay mindful
Start practicing mindfulness. Mindfulness is nothing but a psychological process of living for the moment and in the moment. Paying attention to your own thoughts and not doubting or judging yourself. I started maintaining a Gratitude Journal, say five years back and it has helped me to explore my own thoughts.
By adopting simple things like this, we help ourselves heal and protect ourselves from over-thinking, mental arguments and unnecessary assumptions about the future.
7.Learn to detach
So what if you dreamt of a happy and peaceful family? It is ok if you did not get one. You don’t choose relationships? Do you? Yes, you can choose a life partner of your choice, but the family he represents is only unveiled once you are a part of that family. You can try, but you cannot force anyone to like you or love you.
Learn to detach from your expectations, from your feelings of acceptance, from your urge to get approval, appreciated, validated. Free yourself from all the expectations as you are already a bad one. So live your life and focus on the positive side.
How to take care of your Mental Health while dealing with your toxic mother in law
Mental health is as important as your physical health. With a sane mind, you gain strength to fight for yourself, to stand for yourself. No matter how toxic your mother in laws or the whole family could get, you need to take care of your children, your parents, and other things too.
If you will lose your mind over someone’s hatred, you will lose the real essence of your life. The joy of life is not in getting what you want but finding happiness in what you have got. I am sure when you will shake your box of life, you will find many such moments to cherish.
You can start with following basic practices
- Practice self-love – Self-love is not selfish.
- Focus on the good – Your kids, your parents, your career.
- Meditate – Take time for your mental health.
- Exercise – Stay fit and feel good about yourself.
- Breathe a little more – Live in the moment.
These are very basic life skills anybody could adopt in their lives at any point in time. Maybe that is why they are so undermined. You might wonder what good meditation will bring to you when even you don’t know how to deal with a mother in law who hates you? But unless you take that step towards your betterment, you will never know.
You just have to devote 15 minutes from the 24 hours of a day, I never believe when someone says they are busy, and it is not possible to meditate and exercise. It is all about defining priorities and while dealing with so much mess around our lives we put our mental and physical health at the lowest.
Ladies, you are beautiful; you are powerful. The one who is hurting you maybe has gone through worse and no one showed her the right direction and her behavior towards you is what makes her feel cathartic. It doesn’t mean you will allow her to do so, but you cannot control her actions, but definitely your reactions. No reaction is the best response for such a disturbed soul.
Take charge of your life, love yourself, show some leniency towards yourself. Do not pressurize yourself with the societal norms and standard which doesn’t even define clear rules for a mother in law and so many rules for a daughter in laws. Live the best version of your life. Trust your path.
Priyanka Nair is the author of 26 Days 26 Ways for a Happier you and Ardhaviram. An NLP practitioner and Founder of Sanity Daily, helping you prioritize your mental health. Let’s build a happy community.