“How to deal with in laws who hate you?” The trickiest part in handling the whole marriage saga is when you know that you are not being liked by your in laws rather your in laws hate you, and yet you have to stay with them and face the hurt daily.
We live in a society, which is a by-product of the stereotypical belief system and the deep-rooted society standards we are forced to follow after marriage. I have been married for a while now and I know how it could feel if you’re completely abandoned by your in laws.
Being a mental health awareness promoter, I want women to realize that nothing is as important as your mental peace. In my marriage, I have had a few such experiences, and I could understand the pain women go through in order to fit in. This theory of “fitting in” is the major culprit in all relationships. Especially when it comes to dealing with your in laws.
How to Deal with In Laws Who Hate You?
A bitter relationship with in laws affects the overall harmony and atmosphere of the house and family members. It is true that life takes a steep turn after marriage. It also becomes a living nightmare for most of us. Even though we try to put our best foot forward they judge us, criticize us and show their disrespect.
It could become a very painful story if you let the feelings of hatred enter your mind; it could ruin your mental peace. The urge of getting accepted and loved takes a toll on us and we dwell on all the possibilities to make things work. Let us discuss how you can mindfully learn about how to deal with in laws who hate you and nullify the mental stress caused by their hatred.
It becomes all the more difficult when you have to stay with your in laws who cause problems and face them daily. Staying with in laws is not a bad thing; After all, your in laws also become another family once you are married to their house. But if your new family members treat you with disgrace and insensitivity, then surely it will turn out into a most pungent experience of your life. Let me put forward a few points which will give you some clarity on how to deal with in laws who hate you and avoid any mental stress it can cause you.
10 Mindful Ways to Deal with in Laws Who Hate You and cause Mental Stress to you
I have come out with very basic mindfulness practices that you can follow daily. In any situation, the most important part you play as a member of a family is to maintain a joyful and peaceful environment around you. Just keep in mind the below-mentioned ten practices, which will surely help you stay positive even in the worst situations triggered by your in laws.
|3.Unite with your spouse|
|5.Don’t impose yourself|
|8.Part of life, not life|
|9. Don’t forget to breathe|
Due to the pressure of family values and family image, we tend to be over submissive right from the beginning. Once you enter the premises of a new family, you need to drop the baggage of expectation and continue to be yourself. New brides push themselves too hard to gain love and respect from the in laws and when they fail to please them they go into self-doubt.
You should continue to be the way you were in your family; you were loved by your family members the way you are. With your in laws, the situation might differ, but they will gradually understand your nature.
It is difficult to regain consciousness after the frequent hateful words you hear from your in laws, but taking small steps towards regaining stability and balance is very essential for your peace of mind. Why do we talk only about mother in laws, you might encounter even a biased sister in law or a controlling father in law but you cannot let their actions affect your mental state, right?
Those harsh words could put you under deep stress, and once you lose your balance, you will lose out on your mental stability. Regain balance every time you feel you are going into the stressful zone. Tap out of the moment.
3.Unite with your spouse
Your spouse is what your marriage is all about, and this is the most common reason for all the hateful behavior you receive frequently. The son of the house is someone’s life partner now and the sudden change in priorities, adjustments and seeking privacy raises an alarming situation in the minds of in laws, thinking they will lose their son now.
Unite with your spouse, tell him everything and ask him to accompany you whenever you have to confront any unpleasant situation. Do not expect him to fight for you for at least ask him to see things with his own inference.
When we know that we might get hurt, what do we do? We avoid such situations. Same logic we have to apply in our daily life while living with in laws, if they cannot change their attitude towards us. We have to maintain healthy boundaries with toxic in laws who do not care about your space and intrude with their arrogance.
We need to draw a distance. Do not allow yourself to cross the line and step in their sensitive area. Maintaining distance will only keep you away from getting more hurt and saving yourself from getting stressed over things beyond our control.
5. Don’t impose yourself
Hating you is a choice your in laws have made and it has nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for their behavior unless and until you try to impose yourself on them.
Remember, you can only change yourself and alter your attitude. You can never make a space of your own in your in laws heart if you stress on imposing your idea of happiness. They will never buy it.
In laws could be manipulative, they might say harsh things on your face and deny it in front of others. Such situations are very harmful to any relation, and by doing this, they increase the distance even more.
The scars of the hurtful words might stay inside you but don’t let them play with your mind, be assertive in your approach. Be firm on your decisions and your thought process, if you know that you are right and you do not deserve such hatred then stand for yourself even when you have to stand alone.
7. Stop pleasing
It reminds me of the unsolicited advice I received from one of my family members. Someone suggested to me you just have to pamper your mother-in-law’s ego and you will win her heart forever. I saw her with surprise but could not say a word at that time.
In my whole duration of the marriage, all I could do was to mend things, make her happy, please her, appreciate her, gift her pieces of stuff but I could never pamper her ego because my self-respect did not allow me to do so. I realized it was all waste because what that lady had advised me was true.
This is what I call social conditioning, and I never wanted to be a part of it, because if I would have done that I would have lost myself in the process.
8.Part of lie, not life
You need to understand this. Your in laws are a part of your life and not your life. Your life is what you make it. How you turn into a better version despite all the background noise you hear daily.
Every family member is important as a part of a family, but when the in laws do not understand the importance of one person as a family member, you need to draw a line and cut on toxicity right there. It will only start bothering you from inside, and eventually, it will lead to episodes of irritable behavior with your spouse and children.
9. Don’t forget to breathe
In this whole process of pleasing you in laws, getting hurt with their hateful words, and tired of being a victim. You forget to breathe, pause, and reflect. Introspect. You need to find a way out, a path to yourself.
I have seen many women who accept such a condition as their fate, and many women just suffer in silence. I am not asking you to make noise but at least do not lose your inner-self. Keep yourself alive from within. Prepare yourself for the future so you don’t commit the same mistakes you are being victimized for in present.
10. Be grateful
Look at the bright side; Just changing a direction helps you to see an entirely different world waiting for you. You might suffer a lot because of the hateful behavior of your in laws, but you will still have something to be grateful for. Identify that.
Your husband, your children, your career, your parents, your childhood friend, or anything. Also, you must have some passion in your life, a hobby, a hidden talent, a desire. Focus on better things. Do not let other’s negativity enter inside you and trouble your paradise. Channelize your energy in building yourself from the inside. Come what may you allow no single word of hatred to take your inner peace from you.
How to maintain positivity in your personal space?
Women are blessed with a distinct quality of “Perseverance,” to maintain a purpose in our lives despite difficulties. There are several ways you can deal with your in laws and yet maintain your composure, I had mentioned few helpful do’s and dont’s in my blog, titled, How to Handle In Laws Living with you? which also throws some significant light on how to deal with in laws who hate you.
We can only control ourselves and what happens inside us. As a matter-of-fact nothing is permanent in this world. Situation change, people change too. You never know when things will start blooming between you and your in laws. But for that, we need to continue to be ourselves.
What cannot be cured must be endured. Either we lead by example or live by example through our actions and through our stories, which could inspire so many people around us.
Possible reasons why your in laws hate you
The most common problem yet unsolved for ages, both the member ( Daughter in law and mother in law) need to sit and try to get to know each other, leaving their judgemental mindset aside. You both belong to a different family and it is natural to come across cultural differences.
|Insecurity in mother in law|
Her son is now your husband, and you are a newly married couple. Lost in your own fantasy world. This is right on your part and every newly married couple goes through the same path but things change when we proceed with life and see it differently.
A mother is always insecure about her child and when she sees someone else getting equal or a little more importance from her son, she develops an unknown fear inside her, which results in a lot of rage and frustration.
In many places, the situation is worse because of the religious differences in the family members. Inter-caste and inter-religion marriages still face a lot of demerits. You are constantly judged on the religious beliefs and caste you represent.
It is again one of the stereotypes of our society which we do not understand, as we are all humans, above our cast or religion.
|The Boss Lady Attitude|
It is this thing with mother in laws; They are very protective of their house and belongings. They feel they rule the house, of course, they do. But what they wrongly perceive is that a new woman in the form of a daughter-in-law will enter the house, she will snatch her position and try to dominate her.
She retaliates to something which is not even happening at that point in time, just to protect her position and respect in the family, she treats a newly married woman like a worthless creature.
Should you hate your in laws because they hate you?
A big NO, hate will only destroy you and spread a lot of negative energy around you. You will carry negative emotions in everything you do. So I would request that even if your in laws hate you, you still be compassionate towards them and never allow them to take what you have inside you.
If you are still thinking about, how to deal with in laws who hate you, I would insist to stress less and give your relationship with your in laws some time, stay positive in every situation. Maintain a healthy distance so that you don’t have to face the hurt frequently. Never allow them to cost your mental peace and ruin your relationship with your life partner. Practice peace and possibility is they might understand you gradually.
About the Author
I am Priyanka Joshi Nair and am on a mission to help women lead happier lives after marriage.