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Why living with in laws is a bad idea? Has this question ever crossed your mind? Have you thought about the inequality that exists in society? A man is never expected to stay with his in laws but a woman is pressurised into doing the same. Does it bother you to constantly have in laws around especially if they don’t treat you well?
Well, I am specifically talking about, living with in laws who don’t respect you or value you is surely a bad idea. There are many reasons that support this stance. The most obvious ones are inequality and unfair treatment. A man and a woman should start their new life as equals and not as one leaving their home to live permanently with people who don’t want to change themselves a bit.
Unless your husband and you start your new life as equals, how do you even imagine living like equals for the rest of your days? Treating good in laws with respect is a part of your good behavior. But it does not in any way mean that you should live around your in laws all the time.
Why Living with In Laws is a Bad Idea if they are Disrespectful?
You know even the best of people start becoming control freaks if you allow your full access to them. It’s human nature. This is why living with in laws who disrespect you is a terrible idea.
I mean why should you start your new life as a bride in somebody else’s home? Should you not be given the opportunity to start it with your life partner in a new home? A home that you both rent together (since buying a home this early in marriage is not possible for everyone) and then start a life.
Reasons that Prove Living with Disrespectful Laws is a Bad Idea
There are so many reasons that prove why living with disrespectful in laws is a bad idea. Let me throw light on the most important and obvious reasons.
These reasons will help you understand human nature more and the psyche behind certain attitudes. Also, you will realize how important personal space and privacy are as constructs.
12 Shocking Reasons that Prove Why Living with In Laws is a Bad Idea
Do you know why living with in laws is a bad idea? It is proven as per the statistics that every year lacs of women die of suicide due to mental harassment. Mental torture is unseen and hence unattended but it affects the victim in the long run. How can one survive hateful in laws and what are the reasons behind their hatred?
Here are the top 12 reasons that prove without a doubt why living with in laws is a bad idea. By the way, these reasons are not just limited to India (my home country) but to places and cultures across the world.
| Your in laws will expect you become an unpaid caretaker for life |
| The pious concept of privacy between husband and wife will no longer exist |
| Living with in laws increases mental health issues in women |
| Living with in laws increases heart ailments in women |
| Constant advice will be provided to you that will end up being patronizing |
| Your child-raising capabilities will be questioned all the time |
| House in fights over petty things will happen a lot more |
| All your efforts will be taken for granted |
| You will end up enabling patriarchal privilege even more |
| Your in laws will never learn to adapt and evolve |
| The respect for your in laws will be forced not earned |
| Your in laws will never understand that you have a life beyond them |
Your in laws will expect you to become an unpaid caretaker for life
Why living with in laws is a bad idea? All thanks to a patriarchal society, a daughter in laws is not just expected to stay with your in laws but also take care of them. This should be the foremost responsibility of your husband and not you. The worst part about this is that your in laws will expect you to take care of them and not of your own parents (who too are growing old). Just because you are married to their son, they forget that you had a family before getting married which is equally important for you.
The pious concept of privacy between husband and wife will no longer exist
It is the moral and legal right of married couples to spend quality time together. This also includes moments of intimacy. With your in laws living with you all the time, all your wonderful moments will go for a toss. They will not respect it. Instead, they would want you to take care of them and your husband to spend time with them. Why do in laws cause problems in relationships when it’s their own son’s life involved in this whole drama?
Living with in laws increases mental health issues in women
It is a medically proven fact that living with in laws that don’t respect you increases the overall mental health problems in women. Post-marriage, emotionally abusive in laws are the number one reason for triggered mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and even stress. There are cases where mother in laws get super jealous of daughter in laws, thereby contributing to the latter’s anxiety. It goes unnoticed and no one takes care of the mental state of a daughter in law which ultimately leads to extreme conditions in many reported cases.
Living with in laws increases heart ailments in women
It is a medically proven fact that living with in laws that don’t respect you and treat you inappropriately increases overall heart problems in women. Issues of high blood pressure, valve blockages, faster thumping heart, and even myocardial infarction are common in women living with emotionally abusive in laws. Women are more prone to heart attacks than men but again no one cares especially when you are a daughter in law. Just in case you are wondering why living with in laws is a bad idea sometimes.
Constant advice will be provided to you that will end up being patronizing
One thing that humans love is offering advice for free. It is another matter that the person offering advice might not follow his/her own advice. Living with emotionally disturbing laws will end up you being patronized all the time as if you don’t have a mind of your own. They will always feel only their advice should be followed.
Your child-raising capabilities will be questioned all the time
Since you will become a first-time mother, most in laws will expect you to know nothing about child-rearing. The funny thing is that had they raised their own son well, he wouldn’t ask you (an outsider) to take care of his parents but do it himself (he is blood after all). But no all the rules and sensibility are expected from a daughter in law. All the responsibility for the smooth operation of things in the house lies on her shoulder.
Fights in the house over petty things will happen a lot more
Why living with in laws is a bad idea? Constant living together breeds familiarity and that in turn breeds contempt. Living with in laws all the time will ensure more fights take place often. Your home will be louder than usual and there are high chance that the negativity will increase as well especially when you are not a loved daughter in law. When your sister in laws tries to compete you and your mother in laws ignore you. Your life becomes a living hell.
All your efforts will be taken for granted
Since it is a patriarchal setup, any effort you make towards forging a good bond with your husband’s parents will be taken for granted. You will be expected to do everything since it’s their house and their rules at the end of the day. No matter how hard you try to fit in or to get along when the other person is not willing to get along what else you could do? How else you could contribute to making things work? Any relationship is a two-sided affair, isn’t it? Then why daughter in laws is blamed alone? Such kind of unfair arrangement will only lead to more ungratefulness and an unpleasant atmosphere.
You will end up enabling patriarchal privilege even more
Living with in laws is one of the meanest things patriarchy could promote. There is a normalization of the daughter in law taking care of her in laws while her own parents are left at their own mercy. So how do in laws even live with this? As a married woman, if you choose to live with in laws (no matter how good they are), you have surely internalized patriarchy.
Your duty as a daughter in law and as a daughter are two different things, which need to be balanced. Your parents need you equally and they will not say this because they will not want to disturb your arrangement with your in laws, but it is the in laws’ duty to think with a rational mind and help you strike a balance.
Your in laws will never learn to adapt and evolve
Since you will be around your in laws all the time, everything will be expected of you. You will adjust to them. You will treat their house as your own. You will follow their rules. So when will they ever learn? When will they evolve? When will they learn to catch up with you as well? You need your space too, you are not born to fulfil responsibilities and duties and be omnipresent. You need to invest a little time in yourself as well.
The respect for your in laws will be forced not earned
Respect should always be earned and never forced. However, there is a high possibility of forced respect when you are staying with in laws. Since the house is theirs, the home is theirs you will obviously show respect. But there is no guarantee that they will earn that respect. This is a sad thing, respect can never be demanded it comes naturally to the person because of his/her kind actions.
Your in laws will never understand that you have a life beyond them as well
A bride has as many dreams as anyone else. But living with in laws who don’t even care reduces a bride’s self-worth to nothing. A full-time caretaker of the house and its people being forced to work for free. This is the sad reality of most married women living with toxic in laws. This way women give up on their dreams and aspirations and pour their entire life into fulfilling their duties and is expected not to complain about it.
Not living with in Laws is not being mean
Respecting a person and obeying a person without question are two different things. Hence if your in laws are genuinely nice, you will end up respecting them. Maybe even truly loving them over a period of time. But that does not mean at all that you should be living with them all the time.
It is not a crime if you are not living with in laws. It is your personal choice. So stop feeling guilty if you choose to have your space. Stop allowing people to hurt you for your decision. Society is meant to pull you down, don’t fall for their nuances.
Breaking Free from Patriarchy & Helping your In Laws Evolve
A common but must-ask question that often pops up in the mind of most women is, “why am I being asked to live with my husband’s family forever when he is not even expected to visit them at all?” Even after having this concern, if you still choose to live with in laws that have internalized patriarchy, you too are part of the problem.
Instead, you should make an effort to forge genuine bonds. For that, everybody needs a little ‘me time.’ Once you have that kind of mental space, you will have a better relationship with your in laws and they too will respect you more.
Start thinking along these lines and be a happy empowered woman.
Lots of love and gratitude
13 Responses
Wow! You just wrote everything on my mind. More people should point to this problem and bring change. It’s high time that this outdated system should be left behind in the past were it belongs.
I am glad you found it helpful. Thanks!
Thank you !!! Reading this makes me feel like I’m not losing my mind. I’m living with my in laws while the Mr. , toddler, and myself are trying to build our forever home. Your advice spoke in so many levels and take note the feeling of depression and never getting out is real as well as filling the role of caretaker being expected. The Mr. I can vent my frustrations at with his listening ear . Past ready for our own place .
I am glad🌻 may you move to your happy & peaceful corner soon.
Thank you so much. I was starting to feel like I was crazy. Or just a flat out hater. I am so depressed and my husband is so happy. I am so open wiTh him and I tell him everyday that I am not happy here but we can afford to go anywhere I guess!
I am so sorry to hear this, may you heal from what you are going through. Sending you lots of love and light.
Too good. Very well written. Almost all points covered.
Thanks🤗
Thank you!
Its a good read. I am living with my mother in law in a studio imagine with my 10 yr old daughter and my husband. Its mixed emotions for me because I also loose my job and at the same time my MIL moved into our studio since she’s no longer allowed in the accommodation of my father-in-law. She don’t want to stay in our home country since the pandemic situation there is worst unlike here in middle east its more convenient.
She is kind don’t get me wrong. But the feeling of loosing my privacy, our privacy and being a parent to my child makes me miserable.
Plus the fact that she is with us because she has no choice, we need her before to look after my child but now that i don’t have a job I can do everything in the house without her.
Maybe I just need a job just to breathe. I cry almost everyday, pretending to be ok. Praying to keep my sanity.
I have this principle that there should only be 1 queen in the house. I don’t know. I just feel sad that I can’t be me.
I feel you. As you said, finding a job might help you and also try letting go off a few things will help loosen up. You are doing well and you will get through this. Love!
Thanks much for this article. I’m living with my mom in law 15 yrs now. And I want to leave to have my own space but Mr. Can’t stand up to his mother and let her know that we want our space. I’m overwhelmed most time of the situation and feel stagnant of accomplishing things in the home.
Oh my goodness. Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this. We are a semi-retired couple (in our early 60s; I just retired and my husband is working part-time). And honestly, I was really worried that we would be a statistic for a “gray” divorce.
We have both mothers with us; both are getting up there in age and will need assistance. My husband is a momma’s boy and still kisses and hugs her good night, every night (roll eyes in head). She (mother-in-law; MIL) and I used to get along swimingly, but since we moved 600+ miles from where we used to live (to a warmer climate), she is definitely jealous of his and my time together. We’ve encouraged her to visit the neighbors and attend the senior center, but she really does not know how to make friends with anyone. She expects that people want to invite or entertain her.
My MIL often inserts herself into our conversations, whether they are playful or more serious. At first, I was like, “Please stop,” but then I literally have had to tell her to “Butt out of our conversation.” My own mother does not involve herself in oir conversations and has observed my MIL’s behavior; she agrees that MIL thinks we’re having a three way conversation that includes her.
This tension has definitely impeded my and my husband’s relationship and our love life. The entire time with us, MIL has complained that she misses her friends and would like to return to her former locale…and so, a year later, my husband is moving her back, where she will temporarily live with a friend. MIL’s friends heard her gossip and drag my name through the mud, but I will breathe a sigh of relief when she’s gone. And MIL, my husband and his sister will have to figure out what’s next. (If it was me, I’d already have a plan, but that’s me.)
Thank you again for this fine article.