“When we close the door to our feelings, we close the door to the vital currents that energise and activate our thoughts and actions.” – Gary Zukav
One of the most pervasive challenges we face today, whether in our personal lives, workplaces, or broader communities, is emotional avoidance. This behaviour where we actively avoid feelings and processing our emotions has far reaching consequences that can leave relationships strained, workplaces toxic, and our personal growth stunted.
What is Emotional Avoidance?
Emotional avoidance refers to the pattern of sidestepping our emotions, either by suppressing them or by overreacting in ways that distract from the underlying feelings. Ideally, we should allow our emotions to be felt fully in the present moment, letting them inform our decisions and then releasing them. However, when we avoid our emotions, they don’t simply disappear. Instead, they linger, creating what many refer to as “emotional baggage,” which can weigh us down and affect our mental health.
The Silent Pandemic of Disconnection
In our increasingly busy and often disconnected world, there’s a silent pandemic affecting many of us one that isn’t about physical health but rather our emotional well-being. This is the pandemic of avoidance, where we shy away from our feelings, struggle to articulate our needs, and often miss out on truly connecting with others.
The root of this issue lies in our disconnection from our own emotions. We live in a time when acknowledging and understanding our feelings can be uncomfortable or even seen as a sign of weakness. As a result, we often suppress our emotions, avoiding the necessary work of introspection. This avoidance can lead to misunderstandings, unresolved tensions, and fractured relationships, both in our personal lives and in professional settings.
The Two Faces of Emotional Avoidance
Emotional avoidance generally manifests in two broad strategies, each tied to our natural fight-or-flight response:
The Avoiders: These individuals tend to ignore or suppress their unwanted emotions. They bottle up their feelings, keeping them under wraps until they eventually spill over into passive-aggressive behaviours missed deadlines, “forgetting” tasks, or intentional inefficiency. Often, these behaviours aren’t even recognised by the avoiders themselves, making the problem even more insidious.
The Fighters: On the other end of the spectrum are those who fear losing control of their emotions, especially anger. These individuals may be well aware of their feelings but are terrified of them. When triggered, they may lash out, later regretting their words or actions. Their emotional flooding overwhelms them, making it hard to see situations clearly and respond appropriately.
Both strategies are equally problematic, and neither is more mature or evolved than the other. The truth is, we are all in this together, navigating the murky waters of emotional avoidance.
The Challenge of Emotional Articulation
One of the greatest challenges we face is the ability to clearly identify and express what we are feeling and what we need. Without the right language or framework, it’s easy to become overwhelmed or to shut down entirely. This is where the need for support becomes evident support that helps us pause, reflect, and articulate our emotions more effectively.
Imagine if there were ways to bridge this gap, tools that could guide us in naming our feelings, prioritising our needs, and fostering clearer communication. These could be simple prompts that encourage deeper self-reflection or mechanisms that ensure everyone has a chance to speak and be heard in conversations. Such support might be subtle, but its impact could be profound, helping us reconnect with ourselves and others in meaningful ways.
The Subtle Power of Guided Support
Imagine having access to resources specifically designed to help with these challenges. For instance, using a set of cards as prompts could expand our emotional vocabulary, helping us name and prioritise our feelings and needs with greater clarity. The Empathy Set™, which includes both physical cards and an interactive app, offers guided support for navigating difficult conversations, providing gentle reminders of what truly matters our emotions and the needs behind them.
In group settings, consider the impact of using tools like Talking Sticks, which ensure balanced communication by giving everyone an equal opportunity to speak. These tools emphasise the importance of listening as much as talking, fostering an environment where all voices are heard and respected. Such supports aren’t just for resolving conflicts; they can also be used to strengthen relationships, deepen understanding, and create a culture of empathy.
The Importance of Emotional Tools in Our Lives
The idea of needing tools for emotional support might seem subtle, but their impact can be profound. Imagine having something like The Empathy Set™ at your fingertips in moments of tension or confusion, guiding you to navigate your emotions rather than avoid them. What if you could engage in conversations that feel more balanced and equitable, where everyone’s voice is valued and understood?
These are the kinds of support that can make a significant difference not by providing all the answers, but by equipping us with the means to find them ourselves. They can help us break the cycle of avoidance, reconnect with our emotions, and foster relationships grounded in genuine understanding and empathy.
Emotional avoidance is more than just a personal challenge; it’s a widespread issue that affects every aspect of our lives. From the workplace to our homes, the fear of feeling can lead to a culture of disconnection and dysfunction. It’s time we start addressing this hidden crisis, recognising our patterns, and finding ways to reconnect with our emotions in a healthy, constructive manner. Only then can we begin to heal our relationships, foster genuine connections, and create environments where emotional intelligence is valued and nurtured.
This article is contributed by John Ford who is a seasoned workplace mediator and conflict-resolution coach with three decades of experience. He is the author of “Peace at Work: The HR Manager’s Guide to Workplace Mediation” and the creator of several tools designed to enhance empathy and communication in mediation, including The Empathy Set™ of cards. John teaches negotiation and mediation at UC Law SF and has trained professionals across various sectors. His innovative approach to mediation focuses on structured processes that address both the relational and substantive aspects of conflict, empowering clients to achieve lasting resolutions.
