Why is it difficult to get along with mother in law? I have been wondering this for a while and many women out there must have been continuously asking this question to themselves, isn’t it?
Forget about the traits of a mother in law or how toxic it becomes to co-exist when you end up with the worst version of a mother in law, many women still try to figure out that what is the exact cause of this difficulty?
Have you thought about it yet? Let’s give a nudge to the topic in this blog.
Why Is It Difficult To Get Along With Mother In Law?
Your marriage involves your in-laws too, now you cannot choose them, and neither they get to know you unless you start living with them. The real problem begins when you enter family life. The mismatch of lifestyle, ideologies, beliefs, and restrictions starts affecting you and your relationship with your in-laws or new family.
Now the problem here is that daughters in law compare their previous life and miss it when they feel uncomfortable in the new environment, a nasty mother in law, on the other hand, doesn’t even cooperate much to make her feel at home and bombards her with a lot of expectations.
I had recently read somewhere that 60% of married women report having an uncomfortable relationship with their mother in law. Now, this may not be because of anything specific the daughter-in-law has done, rather it simply doesn’t fit into the mindset of the mother in law.
This is when it becomes difficult to get along with the mother in law because she treats you as an outsider and someone who is here to serve the family and listen to everything they say.
Why is it difficult to get along with mother in law? Because there exists a sense of competitiveness and insecurity, a fear of losing authority, and her son to a newcomer in his life. The competition here is not for love, but rather over who has more influence over the man. Not every mother is able to surpass this feeling and think with a clear mind. Just when they fail to accept their daughters in law as a companion for their son and not a threat to her, they are no more problematic.
It has been the same, generation to generation, even in 2020. Today when the whole earth is ready to sanitize itself, we are unable to address this maligned issue which is so deeply prevailing in our society and the harm is such that it is perceived as something widespread and every woman goes through it, so somehow we have trivialized it.
Instead of normalizing this relationship and making it a little comfortable, we made it a part of married life, but do you know it is one of the leading causes of mental distress in women.
Unfavorable environment, restrictions, disrespect, ignorance, narcissism, abuse, and emotional torture are very common forms of stress a woman goes through in her married life. So what do we do about it? How do we deal with it?
In the end, we have to take care of our family and our children. As a mother you will never want your kids to get affected by the negative environment in your house, so here are a few handy tips, which you can practice in your daily life. Just when you need to make yourself comfortable and save yourself some sanity.
10 ways to deal with a difficult mother in law
Why is it difficult to get along with mother in law? Is there anything that can be done about these difficult relationships? I feel, sometimes it is better to stay away from one another’s way if it is difficult to deal with each other. If you’re having a hard time dealing with your mother-in-law you could try to practice these 10 handy tips.
|1.) Draw a respectful boundary|
|2.) Do not take their words at the heart|
|3.) Do not expect much|
|4.) Don’t compare her with your mom|
|5.) Be assertive|
|6.) Do not overthink|
|7.) Do not seek validation|
|8.) Don’t lose your kindness|
|9.) Don’t stop being yourself|
|10.) Try to communicate|
1.) Draw a respectful boundary
Just as a friend can have differences with us, in-laws are going to be different too. Here we can draw a line. This will prevent you from losing your mind. Draw healthy and strong boundaries right from the beginning. For the ones who have already spent a few years, it becomes difficult to switch to this mode but it is never too late to take care of your mental health.
2.) Do not take their words at the heart
You know why it is uncomfortable to get along with a difficult mother in law, we take every spoken by her at face value. Sometimes, it is ok to let go. It is ok to not pay attention like real attention to what she saying, she may not even mean it, understand its consequences and we will hurt ourselves from her words, who will be at loss here?
3.) Do not expect much
You were nurtured with love and care in your own surroundings and somehow when you step into you in law’s place you carry similar expectations and it brutally hurts and discourages you when you meet reality. Why Is It Difficult To Get Along With Mother In Law? Because we expect a lot. Do not expect, I insist, do not expect love and empathy, if you get it so be grateful for it and reciprocate but the most beneficial tip out of all the tips to deal with Indian in laws is set realistic expectations.
4.) Don’t compare her with your mom
Your mom is your mom and she is irreplaceable, the ones who say I have found daughter in my daughter in law, do they really mean it? I mean, I can refuse to eat what my mom cooked, make face, and just because she knows me so well, she will not make a fuss about it. Imagine doing this with your mother in law? Your choices, your taste, and your preference don’t even matter to her.
5.) Be assertive
It is not easy to live with such a mother in law who does not respect you but since she is a part of the family and you have to stay with her while you draw boundaries stay firm on it. Be assertive with your views. Staying clear helps to minimize misunderstandings in the future.
6.) Do not overthink
Overthinking is like poison, it destroys you from inside. Those mental arguments, those non-stop nudges, and arguments you undergo inside your head are very unhealthy for you. Do you get any solution? No, you only end up thinking more, troubling yourself more, and get frustrated, anxious, and agitated. Please distract yourself.
7.) Do not seek validation
We have seen our mothers doing it because they lacked confidence, they were exposed to fewer opportunities and were not that liberated to make their own decisions. So, today even being highly educated and capable enough we seek validation from our family members for meager things like salt and sugar’s quantity in food. All the life we try to balance that sweetness and bitterness in our life.
8.) Don’t lose your kindness
You can try but not force others to love you and care for you. You could stay kind but yet get labeled as a bad one, selfish prick. But will you leave your true nature and turn out nasty too? I would say don’t lose your basic nature to show your rage, preserve it. Protect it.
9.) Don’t stop being yourself
Never ever stop being yourself. In the process of pleasing others, getting noticed, we women often whittle ourselves so much that in the end when we see ourselves as an individual will feel lost. When we stop being ourselves we stop growing.
10.) Try to communicate
If you want to make peace from your side, try to talk. And if you see her trying to make any sort of slightest attempt be open to communicate. Remember, respectful boundaries and not taking her words personally will help you to decrease the frequency of the poor communication between you two, and trust me it will save you a lot of sanities.
Difficulties could enter our lives in any form, through a friend, through a relative, or your mother in law. Take it as a challenging situation and prepare yourself mentally to be ready to tackle it mindfully, it comes with practice, initially, we all make mistakes, we all fall for it, we simply ruin things with our vulnerabilities. But when you realize that things could have been different, that’s the point where you grow and let nothing stop you from growing.
Lots of love and gratitude
Priyanka Nair is the author of 26 Days 26 Ways for a Happier you and Ardhaviram. An NLP practitioner and Founder of Sanity Daily, helping you prioritize your mental health. Let’s build a happy community.