Why is breaking up so painful? Why is it so hard to detach yourself from someone? Is it because you loved that person and now when he/she is not there, you don’t know how to live without that person?

Or you cannot just accept the fact that things didn’t work out between you two and you need to let go of it. There is a slight difference here, and this slight difference makes a whole lot of impact on our mental well-being and our future life.

I am going through a legal separation and it is dead painful. After years of trying, understanding, giving chances, giving space, things couldn’t work out between us. Writing has been my saviour and maybe the awareness about when and where to stop helped me to let him go.

why is breaking up so painful

Why is breaking up so painful in a relationship?

The process of separation creates havoc inside your mind and you feel it could burst any time, any moment. We attach our entire life to someone and when they move, we see our whole world crashing right in front of us.

Do you know why is breaking up so painful? Because, it is like you pick up the broken pieces every day and fix yourself and still there is this vacuum instilled deep inside you, beyond anybody’s imagination. No matter how graceful you are dealing with such a situation, you still feel empty inside, because you once loved that person and never expected life without them.

We as Indian married women are conditioned in a manner that we feel our whole world is defined by our life partner and we have to pour out our last bit of blood and energy to keep things smooth and running, WHY? Because of the society, because the norms and because it is how it SHOULD be.

But, as I said earlier, after a point of time you understand that there is nothing left here and all you are doing is banging your head over the wall and hurting yourself in return, accumulating only loads of pain.

Why is breaking up so painful in a marriage?

When you are in a relationship/affair and things don’t work out between you two, you go home, you have a place to go. Although the suffering and pain are immeasurable and incomparable, you have a place to go back, and most of the times nobody knows about your relationship. Most importantly, you don’t have a child to worry about.

In marriages, things become way too complicated. The emotional and mental pain feels no less than like physical pain. Most of the time even parents don’t support you. To top that, few people make it so ugly to deal with, no gut, no spine just cruelty to demean each other. Why is breaking up is so painful? Here a few reasons:

1.) Future Insecurities

About self, about raising the child alone.

2.) Financial Challenges

Raising a child and taking care of everything single-handedly not only requires a lot of mental energy but a stable income.

3.) Society

Divorce, separation, marriages then second marriages? Rebound? No one lets you take a breather and give you time to heal.

4.) Loneliness

The darkest side of going through a heartbreak.

5.) Defamation

Yes, the other side will leave not a single chance to point out their filthy fingers on you and make your life miserable.

6.) Feeling of getting judged

I think it is a feeling that is a result of the huge decision, a huge change in your life changes the way people look at you.

7.) Abundance of unsolicited advices

Aah!! We have so many of them around all of us, isn’t it?

After the years of crying, complaining, trying to make amends, trying to fit in trying to win him back, I chose to set him free. Maybe this is the LOVE we talk about, the love we all want, to just let it be. And, I would like to share a very meaningful poem with you all, written by Jorge Luis Borges. This has hit me real hard.

A poem by Jorge Luis Borges
 After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth...

And you learn and learn...

With every good-bye you learn.

Over the period, I have realized what true love is and there is a difference between want and need, and how this small difference is capable of making a huge shift in our relationship status.

I don’t know how I managed to write this post, but I know someone will be reading me today and I need strength, a lot of strength. I hope we all get the love and light we deserve and not what we chase. What do you think, why is breaking up so painful?


why is breaking up so painful

Priyanka Nair is the author of 26 Days 26 Ways for a Happier you and Ardhaviram. An NLP practitioner and Founder of Sanity Daily, helping you prioritize your mental health. Let’s build a happy community.

This blog post is part of the blog challenge ‘Blogaberry Dazzle’ hosted by Cindy D’Silva and Noor Anand Chawla.

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47 Responses

  1. May be I am far away from feeling you and the pain you are going through now, but I can feel it a little bit as I know my cousin sister and her life has become the same. You’re my friend and just like my Didi. Like a younger sister, the least I can do for you is being with you in every rain and sunshine. Sending you lots of love and a big bear hug. Love to Ishaanvi. I know you will overcome this situation soon. More power to you my champion di. Love you lots.

  2. I can really envision how many times you would have stopped writing this post Priyanaka. Hugs to you. Yes, the pain of seperation is very hard and that too letting go your better half, is just unexplainable. Keep the chin up my girl and you have a long way to go!!

  3. We avoid new situations because they’re scary and unpredictable. We especially resist changes that make us sad! Breaking up is hard to do because we feel blue when we lose someone we love. Even when we know the relationship isn’t healthy or good for us, we resist changes that take people away from us.

  4. Your post brings out the fighter and the courageous YOU. Way to go Girl as all of us send loads of positive thoughts and caring wishes. Yes writing can be cathartic…Keep going strong and always remember after every storm there is a beautiful blue sky day…Not far away i am sure!

  5. I can feel those pains as I did go through this phase. I agree with you that as much you try to heal yourself, somewhere you become empty from within. Love that fighting spirit you have any way.

  6. Priyanka first of all a big hug to you. It is not easy to talk about it but I am sure who ever is reading your post will get the courage to face any hardships which is immensely difficult to accept and deal with. More and more power to thou dear. I am a call away.. Would love to get connected with you.

  7. A heartfelt post Priyanka. More power and hugs to you. As you rightly said it is important to know when to take the decision to separate for your own sanity and well-being. Many lack the insight and courage to do that. We feel miserable after a break-up even if one party is invested in it emotionally more than the other….questions of “why was I not important enough” to fight for arise and that I think hurts the most. This I think is especially true when it is a love-match and you have been in a relationship for years before deciding to separate. Do connect if you feel like a chat anytime. Stay strong and continue to shine and spread positivity like you are doing.

  8. I so resonate with this post, Priye. Let yourself feel this pain and exhaustion as only then it will pass through you, leaving you whole and brand new. When one is attached to their partner, feeling lost and hurt is but natural. Grieving helps with the healing.

  9. Breaking up is hard and when with the ‘life-partner’, it becomes difficult to adjust to the routine. You know dear, more than the inner pain, it’s ‘log kya kahenge’ feeling that makes it all complicated.
    Hugs to you, Priyanka❤

  10. Breaking up is very difficult and exhausting. Totally related to your post. Specially society pressure and defamation makes it worse.

  11. You pour out your soul, Priyanka. And I feel every word you have said. I lost my husband but I can still feel the pangs and pan of separation you are going through. The poem is very poignant especially the too much of sunshine will burn you. You have made your own garden <3 Lots of love and hugs to you my dear. God bless you and may you find happiness.

  12. I am hearing you Priyanka, I can feel you clearly in between of every two lines dear. This painful phase too shall pass, it. may left some scars on your mind and heart. Never forget that there is always a bright sunshine of relief after every deepest pain and darkest night. And your journey has begun towards the new dawn i.e.way more brighter than yesterday! A tight hug for you dear❤️

  13. A very heartfelt one beta. You are a very strong woman. God bless you beta. I am sure women who are going through difficult time will find a much needed support from this.

  14. While reading I was surprised that this is the real side of separation …… I have gone through the separation from my beloved…. I can relate this to me….. Thanks for sharing your points….

  15. Priyanka, I wish I could come there and give you a big tight hug. I can understand how difficult it would have been to write this. To lay it all out in the open. Emotions and feelings are not on tap that can be switched off and on. You are an amazing woman and a guiding light for many. Ishaanvi is blessed to have you as mother and a role model. More power to you, sweetheart.

  16. I can understand that it’s not easy Priyanka. But I know this too shall pass. More power to you and your writing.

  17. Priyanka, the seperation is always painful and the points you mentioned that society talks all unnecessary stuff is like adding more to it. But we know you are not the one who will ever bother of log kya kehenge and will rise with your positivity and beaming smile. You are doing it best by journaling and expressing what you feel in this way you are accepting it and making this phase pass away.

  18. You are incredible. Brave. Strong. Fighter.
    These are the words that come to my mind after reading your blog. It requires a strong mind to overcome all these odds placed by society and ourselves and seek happiness…to let go and do what needs to be done…

    Thanks for sharing this…you may have helped so many more in your situation…

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